Fixation

She steps fwd.

Reaches with her right,

while she makes eye contact,

They always like that.

 

She seen it on TV,

Read about it books,

So she steps fwd,

Reaches for her fixation.

 

Plays with her thoughts,

Runs through that familiar feeling,

The first time, and every time.

 

She’s nervous,

Steadies her nerves,

Enjoys the moment,

Makes eye contact,

Because they always love that.

 

These are the words

that the pages can’t express,

The knowledge, only gain through pract. app.

She is vulnerable,

Intrigued,

Excited.

Enjoying her moment.

 

Her thoughts moistened her tongue,

She sucks the soul out the room,

Applies for the job.

Fixated.

She makes eye contact.

 

She knows they like that.

 

Her tongue expresses fantasies,

She is vulnerable,

She melts into her groove,

She sucks the life out the room,

Fixated on her goal,

 

They love that $hit.

 

She reaches,

Grips with her right,

And pulls it closer.

Fixated and enjoying the moment.

 

She climaxes,

Shares her vulnerability on the mic,

Expressing words that pages couldn’t hold,

sharing her story,

She makes eye contact.

 

They snap cuz they love that shit.

She smiles cuz I like that sssshhhhh.

 

*Ode to the Lyricist.

The storyteller.

The liar

The lifelong friend.

 

-$100k

Journal entry #37

Well all my machinations have finally come full circle. Sigh of relief. Starting March 1st 2017, I can officially say that my net worth is equal to a Fat “0”.

Going from -$100k to ZERO was the struggle. But I learned loads of lessons. So much of my brain power went to solving epic riddle. Like rotating a cube that keeps changing its featutes. Many ideas came to mind. I made it a game;

  • Playable character, complete with skill sets.
  • Random dialogues and multiple side quests.
  • So many features, so many plotlines… so many NPCs.
  • Mini Bosses, Mini games, overall quests,
  • So much Spam and Junk Mail..

Phrases that helped me break the societal Gengutsu;

  • “That’s just Prime” (Optimus Primal, Beastwars)
  • “Rolling the Hard Six” (Battlestar Gallactica)
  • “Semper Fi”, “Having the Moral Courage”, “Once more into the Breach” (Marines)
  • “Don’t argue the free throw line”, “One more turn at the screw” (my own)
  • “Can’t see the Forest for the Trees” (Tom Cruise, Max Reacher)
  • Think (MLK)
  • My fav, “the climb” (Game of Thrones)

Next machinations will lead to $250k in 4 years. I’ve heard everyone saying it’s impossible. I let them believe in their matrix. Student loan debt free in 8 years. Dem or Rep, I don’t give a @!#%. It’s a game. There are rules, levels, and distractions.

My end game. Originally it was to save ….. @#$% that, these folks don’t want to be saved. Besides I don’t have the power of persuasion to help them. I guess they will be alright… or not.

Well when i close out, catch me in a villa in Brazil or somewhere international.

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Embers

She said treat her like fire,

Curious to the touch,

She is life and death,

She burns,

Leveling fields,

Falling into ashes,

She said treat her like fire…

Swallow her whole,

and breathe her essence into the world,

Watch as they gaze in amazement,

While you extend to give her, room.

She dances,

Surrounded by flares of gold,

Edges of rubby,

Rendering cold nights warm against her flesh,

Inspiring passion.

She is lust that flirts with the wind,

healing open wounds,

Running through threads,

She gives birth to death,

She said treat her like fire…

To be careful with her heart,

To breathe air so that she nourishes life,

So that she blooms,

Igniting embers of energy,

Bringing sight,

Depth to the shallows,

Perception to reality.

She said treat her like fire;

She can burn,

But she would rather love.

To be cared for,

so her spark doesn’t fade through the long night.  

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Cruel

Snaps, smudges and fingers

Technical skills,

with surgical precision.

 

In a car, on a train, in any mirror.  

 

Every reflection,

Showcases deep insecurities,

Superficially inflated egos,

Facades and personas.

 

Tears every night.

 

Cash, check, gift cards,

Tradeoffs for

 

Matted skin,

Covered pores,

Eyelashes,

Blended techniques,

Dramatic Shadows at 7 am.

 

How do you appreciate what you have if you never learned to love it back when…

 

Constantly competing,

Scared to be alone.

Gotta be bad and bougie,

Got to be prim and proper,

Serious but not angry,

Supporting but not resentful…

 

Independent but not lonely.

 

Layers and layers of Dos and Don’ts,

Matted textures,

False lashes,

Countours,

Slimming shades,

Extensions….

 

To capture the eye and affection of friends,

To capture the heart of lovers,

To capture the attention of the one.

 

You do all this,

Until you say I do,

While for him,

you could have been anyone.

 

For him,

you could have been just another one…

 

How Cruel are we as men,

To strip women of the effort,

Expose them, display their naked skin,

To fault them for what they are not,

Pick out the pieces that they have,

Highlight what they don’t,

To miss who they really are,

How cruel are we to be this carefree…

 

To judge endlessly.

Missing the effort,

Missing the broken heart of

Matted skin,

Rosy blush,

Concealers,

Lash effects,

and covered souls.

 

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Voicemail

Sorry about the missed calls. 

Somewhere along the way I didn’t pick up…

In truth, I didn’t want to pick up.

Or I didn’t have anything to say…

So I let it ring…

 

I let it go to voicemail a few times,

I let it go until I didn’t receive any more calls,

Until there were no more voice messages to sift through.

No more awkward conversations.

No more pauses.

So I’m sorry that I couldn’t pick up.

I miss your voice.

The excitement.

The energy. I was always elated when you picked up. You always wanted me to share so much… so many details.

So many layers, so much joy.

So much more…

I got the gig,

And a tuxedo.

Real james bond type stuff.

Still need to learn how to tie a bowtie.

 

I got the house.

Yes, I was able to finally get the bachelor pad. It’s nice, hardwood floors and a fireplace.

You would have loved it.

I’m living the life you always wanted for me.

I can finally afford, the little things.

Even got a chance to go to Brazil.

 

I was talking about it for so long.

But I held my promise.

You would of loved it so much.

 

I always wanted to go with you.

Travel the edges of the world.

Maybe even rented the castle airbnb in Europe aka the Chateau.

I wonder if you fly there on a whim now.

I wonder if you’re happy.

I wonder about a lot of things…

But I’m happier now…

 

I couldn’t pick up anymore.

I ran out of words.

My memories were choking me.

I ran out of breath.

 

But I’m happier now…

I met someone.

Well I think I did.

Here’s hoping she thinks of me in the same way.

Can’t put the cart ahead of the horse.

But she seems nice. Churchy.

But into financial literacy,

maybe she is the type of girl for me.

 

I’m sorry I couldn’t pick up anymore.

I simply ran out of words.

I needed to move on.

I needed to forget.

I needed to remember who I was.

I needed to forgive.

I needed to heal.

I needed this feeling…

 

…. So long ago

And forever to go.

 

*Letters to a ghost, part 3

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The Abyss

I remember watching “Star Wars” and learning about how Hate,

even in the hands of the righteous,

transforms the character and erodes the soul.

Moments of fear reveal everyone’s true nature.

 

Do you bend, do you fold, do you break, do you endure, do you grow.

 

Are you fair, are you courageous, are you unbias, are you a coward.

 

Moments like this,

are when you see the true metal of a man.

 

Moments like this,

are when you see people who condemn racism slowly become racist themselves.

 

I can honestly admit that I grow in chaos.

I’ve live it. I’ve carried the weight of it.

I speak because some of you will get lost in it.

You don’t have the heart for it.

And there is no coming back from it.

It’s the abyss. It’s a double edge sword that you grab unto in the darkness.

 

It changes you until you forget who you really are,

That’s the darkness, it twists you, it molds you

And sadly, you know nothing of it.

 

Poison

*Listen to Poison, by Nas (classic)

The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Authentic

The text comes in.

Somewhere between 1 am and late.

She only has fifteen minutes to respond.

She stares in a mirror, practices the many ways to smile,

Say nothing, enjoy, be friendly, be courteous, be professional,

Be friendly again but not too friendly.

 

She’s ready. She elevates the room,

Each heel strike captures your attention,

As she glides through TSA, and hops on her flight.

 

She graces the flight with her presence,

Boards first in a cabin dimly lit,

Surrounded by the low hum of a perpetual ac.

 

…The message comes through,

Somewhere between yesterday and the red-eye,

Time bends and blurs; she feels distant.

Constantly leaving and never staying to chat,

But the people love that.

 

They never see what it takes in between.

 

She shakes the loneliness of long flights,

thinks about smiling, thinks about being polite,

be professional but not too professional,

be friendly but too friendly.

 

On the bright screen on her cell,

She writes notes;

Perfecting the pattern of her thoughts.

She prepares speeches.

 

I imagine her to be a tinkerer;

Desk filled with notes.

Almost a mad scientist,

The exotic location doesn’t catch the glimmer of her eyes anymore,

She tares into new ideas,

She surrenders to her flights of fancy,

She is determined; caught between the lust of imagination.

While most people fear success,

She embraces past failures,

Marinades on the dimensions,

She is a problem solver, she is a presenter,

she is a marketing team; all rolled up in one.

 

She learned to embrace her authentic self.

She wasn’t the pretty girl,

She is the geek, the genius,

the tech junkie,

Elegant, classy;

She is the start of a conversation that never quite ends…

Caught somewhere between yesterday and the red-eye.

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