Journal entry #37

Well all my machinations have finally come full circle. Sigh of relief. Starting March 1st 2017, I can officially say that my net worth is equal to a Fat “0”.

Going from -$100k to ZERO was the struggle. But I learned loads of lessons. So much of my brain power went to solving epic riddle. Like rotating a cube that keeps changing its featutes. Many ideas came to mind. I made it a game;

  • Playable character, complete with skill sets.
  • Random dialogues and multiple side quests.
  • So many features, so many plotlines… so many NPCs.
  • Mini Bosses, Mini games, overall quests,
  • So much Spam and Junk Mail..

Phrases that helped me break the societal Gengutsu;

  • “That’s just Prime” (Optimus Primal, Beastwars)
  • “Rolling the Hard Six” (Battlestar Gallactica)
  • “Semper Fi”, “Having the Moral Courage”, “Once more into the Breach” (Marines)
  • “Don’t argue the free throw line”, “One more turn at the screw” (my own)
  • “Can’t see the Forest for the Trees” (Tom Cruise, Max Reacher)
  • Think (MLK)
  • My fav, “the climb” (Game of Thrones)

Next machinations will lead to $250k in 4 years. I’ve heard everyone saying it’s impossible. I let them believe in their matrix. Student loan debt free in 8 years. Dem or Rep, I don’t give a @!#%. It’s a game. There are rules, levels, and distractions.

My end game. Originally it was to save ….. @#$% that, these folks don’t want to be saved. Besides I don’t have the power of persuasion to help them. I guess they will be alright… or not.

Well when i close out, catch me in a villa in Brazil or somewhere international.




She said treat her like fire,

Curious to the touch,

She is life and death,

She burns,

Leveling fields,

Falling into ashes,

She said treat her like fire…

Swallow her whole,

and breathe her essence into the world,

Watch as they gaze in amazement,

While you extend to give her, room.

She dances,

Surrounded by flares of gold,

Edges of rubby,

Rendering cold nights warm against her flesh,

Inspiring passion.

She is lust that flirts with the wind,

healing open wounds,

Running through threads,

She gives birth to death,

She said treat her like fire…

To be careful with her heart,

To breathe air so that she nourishes life,

So that she blooms,

Igniting embers of energy,

Bringing sight,

Depth to the shallows,

Perception to reality.

She said treat her like fire;

She can burn,

But she would rather love.

To be cared for,

so her spark doesn’t fade through the long night.  



Snaps, smudges and fingers

Technical skills,

with surgical precision.


In a car, on a train, in any mirror.  


Every reflection,

Showcases deep insecurities,

Superficially inflated egos,

Facades and personas.


Tears every night.


Cash, check, gift cards,

Tradeoffs for


Matted skin,

Covered pores,


Blended techniques,

Dramatic Shadows at 7 am.


How do you appreciate what you have if you never learned to love it back when…


Constantly competing,

Scared to be alone.

Gotta be bad and bougie,

Got to be prim and proper,

Serious but not angry,

Supporting but not resentful…


Independent but not lonely.


Layers and layers of Dos and Don’ts,

Matted textures,

False lashes,


Slimming shades,



To capture the eye and affection of friends,

To capture the heart of lovers,

To capture the attention of the one.


You do all this,

Until you say I do,

While for him,

you could have been anyone.


For him,

you could have been just another one…


How Cruel are we as men,

To strip women of the effort,

Expose them, display their naked skin,

To fault them for what they are not,

Pick out the pieces that they have,

Highlight what they don’t,

To miss who they really are,

How cruel are we to be this carefree…


To judge endlessly.

Missing the effort,

Missing the broken heart of

Matted skin,

Rosy blush,


Lash effects,

and covered souls.




Sorry about the missed calls. 

Somewhere along the way I didn’t pick up…

In truth, I didn’t want to pick up.

Or I didn’t have anything to say…

So I let it ring…


I let it go to voicemail a few times,

I let it go until I didn’t receive any more calls,

Until there were no more voice messages to sift through.

No more awkward conversations.

No more pauses.

So I’m sorry that I couldn’t pick up.

I miss your voice.

The excitement.

The energy. I was always elated when you picked up. You always wanted me to share so much… so many details.

So many layers, so much joy.

So much more…

I got the gig,

And a tuxedo.

Real james bond type stuff.

Still need to learn how to tie a bowtie.


I got the house.

Yes, I was able to finally get the bachelor pad. It’s nice, hardwood floors and a fireplace.

You would have loved it.

I’m living the life you always wanted for me.

I can finally afford, the little things.

Even got a chance to go to Brazil.


I was talking about it for so long.

But I held my promise.

You would of loved it so much.


I always wanted to go with you.

Travel the edges of the world.

Maybe even rented the castle airbnb in Europe aka the Chateau.

I wonder if you fly there on a whim now.

I wonder if you’re happy.

I wonder about a lot of things…

But I’m happier now…


I couldn’t pick up anymore.

I ran out of words.

My memories were choking me.

I ran out of breath.


But I’m happier now…

I met someone.

Well I think I did.

Here’s hoping she thinks of me in the same way.

Can’t put the cart ahead of the horse.

But she seems nice. Churchy.

But into financial literacy,

maybe she is the type of girl for me.


I’m sorry I couldn’t pick up anymore.

I simply ran out of words.

I needed to move on.

I needed to forget.

I needed to remember who I was.

I needed to forgive.

I needed to heal.

I needed this feeling…


…. So long ago

And forever to go.


*Letters to a ghost, part 3