I once contemplated suicide.
I gave it the faintest moment,
which seemed to go on for an eternity.
It was cold, rainy, and I was tired.
Dealing with the feeling of abandonment, hunger, and poverty;
(Free Lunch program can only cover so much nutrition if any)
I figured why not?
Why not just end this?
Let the darkest take hold;
and damn near give up.
Why keep up with this game.
All the while thinking why am I here?
Where is justice, where is equality of means…
We all know how it ends.
I’m not hero. I don’t make it.
I didn’t see pass a week.
There were kids making plans for their futures.
Buzzing around me, talking about what they would do.
There were kids at parties.
Hanging out with other kids,
whose issues ranged from Mom and Dad coming home late.
Kids with families, that asked them,
“Son, what do you want to do…”
All I could think of is, “F!@#$, I didn’t have that.”
and the faint echo of my aunt, telling me to watch my language,
as her work load beat her over and over again.
I didn’t have the question. I didn’t have the voices.
I wished I could have created them.
I wished that I could separate myself for them.
Maybe have a few personalities;
one who was the responsible one,
the other the child,
and another the cool one.
I just needed advice.
I wished I could split….
But I don’t think that’s how it works.
I wished on a lot of things that didn’t come true.
I was just wishing on cold days, rainy nights,
and taxable shifts at McDonald’s since this was my life.
So I contemplated on ending it.
Maybe a sharp knife.
Even heard of people who slit their wrist.
Or free falling, because that would be easiest but I lived in Miami.
Maybe I was too catholic, maybe I was too busy, too stressed…
So like all things…
The rain stopped. Stillness came.
The moment passed.
I might have been spared by the Guardian Angel
who spent most of my childhood;
Keeping me upbeat,
keeping me thinking,
keeping me hopeful…
So that day I contemplated suicide.
With the last name of the man, who never wanted me.
If that moment lasted way more than it should have,
I would of ended up missing out on becoming a Marine,
I would have missed out on learning how to dance,
I would have missed out my first girlfriend,
I would have missed all the travel that I got to do,
I would have missed all the opportunities that laid in front of me.
So when the day comes and it all goes dark with rain and thunderstorms,
Just know you will end up farther than you image,
You will end up being greater than the sum of your situation,
And most importantly you will end up inspiring loads of people,
people just like you;
People who contemplated suicide, the day before they meet you…
Notes: After my latest Miami mentoring and volunteering run; one kid came to me and asked how he could make a difference. I told him a simple way (*youtube.com: make a vid and post it); he said it was impossible. I tried to convince him for another 15-20 min. I ran out of time and I couldn’t undo years of self-doubts with minutes of positive affirmation. So this piece is for the kid who gave up, never having to try.